As I sit here alone with my beautiful bride, the mother of my four wonderful children, my best friend in the whole world, I am lost. I am lost and broken, because she is slipping away.
The speed with which this recurrence has struck has been devastating and always one step ahead of us. We had so many plans, and backup plans, and contingencies for those backup plans, but they all required the one thing we don’t seem to have - Time.
Today we decided that it’s better that Nanelle be as comfortable and as in control of her treatment plan as we can make her. We’re not giving up. We’re just choosing to fight the battle we can win, which is preserving her dignity and focusing on her quality of life. She has been surrounded by love; the deepest and truest love I have ever seen. So we’re focused on that love and treatments that can ease her pain. It’s what she wants, and what we all want for her.
Through this entire fight, the only concerns Nanelle has had are for her kids and family and friends. She embodies selflessness. As long as we are safe and taken care of, she would be at peace with whatever happens. I promised her that I would make sure of it, and I intend to keep that promise. These kids will be safe, and cared for, and loved. We are battered and bruised and in need of support, but in time we will heal.
So, as long as we’re trading music lyrics, I thought I’d share one of our favorites. The lyrics are haunting to me right now...but the name is what makes me think of my Nellie Bean. It’s the reassuring words we would always say to each other when the fight felt like too much: “Just Breathe”
Just Breathe
By Pearl Jam
Yes I understand That every life must end As we sit alone I know someday we must go
Oh, I'm a lucky man To count on both hands The ones I love Some folks just have one Yeah, others they got none
Stay with me Let's just breathe
Practiced on our sins Never gonna let me win Under everything Just another human being
Yeah, I don't want to hurt There's so much in this world To make me bleed
Stay with me You're all I see
Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? What if I did and I'm a fool you see No one knows this more than me 'Cause I come clean
I wonder everyday As I look upon your face Everything you gave And nothing you would take Nothing you would take Everything you gave
Did I say that I need you? Oh, did I say that I want you? What if I did and I'm a fool you see No one knows this more than me 'Cause I come clean
Nothing you would take Everything you gave Hold me 'til I die Meet you on the other side